I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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