I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
