In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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