I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
