Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
