if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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