a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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