so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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