normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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