Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I smell stomach acid.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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