I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
