My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Randomize