dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
