the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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