He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
