Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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