Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
