It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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