Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
