does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
