fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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