I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
