I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
