Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
