I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
