Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
