pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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