Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
