my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I understand Curling. That high.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
