she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
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