sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
