sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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