the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Randomize
