i'm signing you up for texting rehab
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
