Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
