i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
