We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
