when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I have fence marks all over my body
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
