The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
