So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
