Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
