I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
