dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
