i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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