I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
