Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
