I just made out with a guy for $7.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
