I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
