how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
