the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
