it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
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