how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
