i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
