Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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