i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
