did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
