So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
