I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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