I hate your face
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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