I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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