I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize