I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
